Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Azure

(This will be cleaned soon. This is just a draft, just to capture my thoughts.)

Red, was the sky red that time? Was it? It was not purely red, but salmon, for I could distinctly remember the emotions it instilled to me. I cried that afternoon when you suddenly left this place and headed to some unknown land of reasons. My heart wooed but you could not hear it. And all I could remember was the salmon sky slowly casting darkness to the ruins in this field.

Now the sky is not red anymore. It’s azure. Despite the echoes of yesteryears, my heart is calmed for beyond the blue sky I can certainly feel your longings. Over these ruins of a decade war, the voices of our younger selves are calling me again, bringing back the times when we ran through this field, young and arduous, living life in piece-meal of happiness everyday. I heard your chuckle from the distant time, and in the sky I can see your face with that dainty smile that gnawed my very self, that I wished that the joys we had would never fade away with time. All of these became intangible keepsakes of our past, seamlessly floating in the deepest recesses of my memories when every time I feel cold they remind me of the warmth we used to share. With so many memories of us together in my mind, only one that I cannot forget, that late afternoon when I was sitting here and you standing there with your eyes fixed on the farthest reach of the salmon horizon over looking the great city where these ruins came from, when you said goodbye.

“Ivan, I don’t know how to tell you this but I will be joining the Starfleet fighting on the Third Planet of HD1225.” You said with that emotionless face.

“When are you leaving?” I asked with my rugged but cold voice.

You did not answer. And I felt time stopped that very moment, flooding my head with decaying salmon color of the sky turning everything to pit black.

“Tell me. When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow.” You looked at me with teary eyes. “I will be leaving tomorrow,” you said while looking back to the salmon horizon.

“Why you did not tell me before? Why?”

And you replied it with silence. You heard me crying but you did not move nor said anything. Your silence dominated my heart and it was killing me.

“Do I matter to you? Why are you doing this to us, Franz?” I asked with trembling voice.

“Of all the things that happened to my existence, Ivan, you are the only one that I cannot forget. You matter so much to me, so much that if I have just a choice, I will live my life with you forever. You must understand the situation. I have to go there and fight.”

“Understand? How can I understand something I am not prepared to understand? You just told me that you joined the Starfleet. Just right now. We can go there together. Why do you have to do it alone?”

“There are reasons Ivan. And you should have known that.”

“Reasons? What reasons Franz?”

“Just remember this Ivan. You are always special to me, so very special. Just wait for me here and I will tell you the reasons when I come back.”

Then all I could hear was my weep, my heart crying.

For twenty years, the scene of that afternoon keeps playing on my mind and until now I couldn’t find the reasons why you have to go alone.

I guess you have your reasons.

Now, I am looking at the blue sky, satisfied with the thought that somehow there was someone who had created a great wave of joy in my life. I treasured our days so much.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Paradox

Contradiction within my self, within my own life, within all things I know and all of them seems to be true and their truthfulness debunks my whole existence.

What do I really want?

I woke up this morning in blank state, suddenly feeling the emptiness of my existence. Absurdity simply connotes an existential view of my personal history. I am now converging in the era of my life that everything in this world seems trivial and does not matter or does not put weight to my whole existence. I am tired of the world, of my usual life, of things that I am seeing every day, of normal stuffs, of same events over and over again. I want to see the light, to see new horizon that will eventually bring new mirth to my existence.

Christmas is coming closer. Am I happy? Am I excited? Days are all the same, mundane, pathetic and empty.

But why I keep on living? Despite this bleak disposition of my existence, why I cease to exist? Does this mean there is still hope, that there is still something great in-stored for me? Does the universe is still indifferent and looking at me like a speck of dust?

So much questions. Maybe I should settle for something ordinary for now. As much as I want to bring my life back, more and more circumstantial events popping up that hinder me move forward. What is happening?

I lost the taste of enjoying all beauty of life.

I need something more beautiful and more meaningful.

I hate it when I am feeling this way every now and then because I am asking myself questions that make things complicated. Why can’t I settle for things that I have now?

Fear. Aha, it is fear. I have a lot of fears in my life, especially of my future. My mind is always clouded with normal things in life and I can’t focus on what I really want.

I have to rant now just to release these disappointments within me. I am disappointed with the current state of the world, disappointed with everything.

Maybe, I am just in the wrong corner of the world. The world I have now does not provide me the joy that I am looking for. This mini world of my life is far beyond from what I really want. Maybe I am just impatient and this is killing me.

Soon, I am hoping to see a new dimension, something as mysterious as the black holes and invisible as the dark matter.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

My Concluding Thoughts on Global Warming

At last after days of reading journals, online articles, reports, forum discussions, debates, and multi-media presentations and years of collective reflections, I was able to provide myself a stable and concrete disposition on this issue. The first time I heard about GW/CC was in High School. That time I did not pay much attention because it was only a topic under my environmental science class and I was also busy figuring out the world of biology, chemistry and physics. During college we got to discuss this issue with my friends and because of my cockiness and arrogance, and partially influenced by activism, I took the stand pointing to man being responsible for all the changes that were happening to the world without even deeply looking into the scientific underpinnings of the issue. When I started to shift my interest to Physics, I stayed away from major current events debates and discussions, for I realized that they were so temporal and trivial. I haven’t concerned myself with GW for years until last year when the documentary “An Inconvenient Truth” had been released and it became the talk of the town and somehow also caught my attention. It was not missed from our afternoon coffee klatsch. I revisited my stand on this issue and I realized that there was a sudden change in my views. What changed my views? It was “who” and not “what.” It was Richard Feynman who changed my views towards social, political, cultural, and scientific issues. From his works I learned the true value of science. Science is not about knowing everything, it is about knowing what you know and what you don’t know and it is only through doubts that you can affirm that you know something about something. This may sound cliché but somehow I find it true especially in our generation when a lot of scientific works are being released everyday that make truth indiscernible.

My views here are standing on the principles of science as how I learned it from R. Feynman. In the issue of GW/CC, I learned that currently there are two views being discussed and debated anywhere and they are: (a) the Non-Anthropogenic GW or the GW caused my natural processes and (b) the Anthropogenic GW, also known as AGW in scientific community. The scientific community has varying opinions and it is currently divided into these views. Even the society as a whole, some would argue that man is the major culprit of this climate change and some would say it’s nothing it’s just the normal climate cycle of our planet. In my case, I would stand on the grounds that would eliminate the bias of anthropocentrism. I always believe that the universe will go on with her processes that planet earth will go on with her processes with or without our existence. But this is not the reason why I would take the side of Non-anthropogenic GW. My reason stands on what I know and what I don’t know.

What I know (minus political and cultural views biases):

  1. A good science behind climate change, physical, chemical and atmospheric principles.
  2. The stands claimed by GW and AGW. For GW it is a natural phenomenon and it is deeply connected to the bio-geological processes of the planet For AGW, it is man-made caused by the abused of man of his environment and reliance on Fossil Fuels that produce exponential growth of CO2 as waste product of his processes.
  3. Climate science is not linear and it is a complex system that current data modeling and scientific investigations cannot provide reliable and correct data projections. And there are a lot of uncertainties with it come to the final determination of the effects of this on the global perspective.
  4. Earth is historically since her birth changing, and all her innate properties are fluctuating, like the CO2 content of her atmosphere, the GHG content, ocean salinity, tectonic movements, cooling and warming or temperature, etc.
  5. Earth processes are dependent not only on the interior content but also affected by cosmic or space processes such as the cosmic radiations, solar activity, spatial location, etc.
  6. Man has evolved extrasomatically in tremendous ways that it has to source his energy needs from all efficient and cost-effective sources to cope-up with the exponential needs quota.
  7. Man is dependent on energy to survive, such as electricity, heat, organic and other forms to sustain his society.
  8. We are part of this society and we are enjoying all the good things brought by our development that requires tremendous amount of energy.
  9. Man intervened in the natural processes of our biosphere because also of our development (in all aspect).
  10. Earth science is complex and man is part of this complexity but he is a negligible part when the dynamics of our planet is plotted in space and time.
  11. Anthropocentrism centered man in the universe and will always view things in the perspective of human activities.
  12. Anthropocentrism provide erroneous view of the physical reality in the sense that it eliminates other world-views.
  13. Human activities are all politically and economically motivated and even scientific works are not excused from this bias. Some scientists are having hard time in getting funding because of some politically reasons and economic reasons and this is the major hindrance in the correct forward movement of scientific breakthroughs. Like for example the usage of Nuclear energy had been slowed down for years because of political and economic reasons.
  14. Mass media is good a medium to capture a great audience. A theory will only matter when there is mass on it based on the number of people who believe it. Once there is mass there is inertia and things will go smoothly even they are not scientifically sound.
  15. Only few will dare the concepts established by the giants, both scientific and political.

So far these are the things I know about GW.

What I don’t know:

  1. The detailed science on the atmospheric dynamics, like how much we are influencing the rate of warming, the absolute equation that can express the whole components of climate, etc… and it is because we don’t have yet reliable and accurate data modeling tools that can project future events. Even IPCC has released there own data uncertainties.
  2. The validity of 90% confidence of the IPCC report.
  3. The future of mankind and future atmospheric and geological processes of the Earth.
  4. The current world disposition on GW is purely out of activism or of political manipulation. That there exists some sort of conspiracy theory.
  5. This is a mere coincidence that we are experiencing that these climate turnovers exactly happen at the time when we are aggressively aware of our environmental stewardships.
  6. The other world-views on this issue, like for example the view of the migratory birds. Do you think they would say this thing is happening because of the how man runs his society?
  7. The future energy production paradigm of our society.
  8. The reasons why most people believe in the AGW view.
  9. We can survive eliminating all technology that produces GHG as waste product.
  10. We are aware that everything we have now somehow contributes to the GHG content of the atmosphere and we are willing to let go of them.

Based from the above points, I would personally conclude, in my own perspective, that GW is not man-made. Global Warming is just the natural shift of the earth’s atmospheric cycle when viewed in the earth’s history perspective.

But it doesn’t mean that we are going to be complacent, that we are going to do nothing and wait for the time when worst effects of the shift will occur. As I always say, we are looking at the wrong solution. For the policymakers, we cannot stop GW but we can adapt to its erratic dynamics and that is what we are supposed to do, to find ways on how to adapt with the moody conditions of the Earth’s climate. Did we do anything to stop earthquakes? To stop tectonic movements? I am very convinced that GW is not an induced phenomenon by man but rather a natural phenomenon just like earthquakes or tectonic movements. On this ground, now uncertain future can be faced by us because we have already prepared our civilization (society) to adapt with external erratic forces. The only possible path of solution I can provide to this problem is described by the following:

  1. Stop wasting funds on proving that man is the cause of this phenomenon but instead divert them to find out the basic laws governing this phenomenon.
  2. Stop bickering about the usage of fossil fuels because for now we don’t have any available solution that is cost-efficient and popularly accepted. Actually we already have, but for some other political reason it was not pursued, the Nuclear energy.
  3. Stop looking things in our perspective but in the perspective of all important views. We tend to miss important factors because we tend to look at things on our world-view only. Eliminate activism and anthropocentrism in all observations.
  4. Stop designing policies to stop this because this cannot be stopped but instead design policies that would minimize human contribution in natural processes and human intervention in the normal flow of natural processes. It is on how we strategically position ourselves as a species in the complex web of the biosphere. Remember we are still bounded by the law of evolution: we change as our environment changes.
  5. Stop paying attention to biased media coverage but start reading scientific papers on the matter. In this way you can see the light without any political or cultural interference.

I believe I have already said everything I need to say about this matter. It is time for me to close my book and move on with the next issue.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Forgotten

Journeying without purpose is tiresome, pushing us to be forgetful of the lessons we painfully garnered from our starting phases. We tend to forget of the past, of the circumstances that had banked joyful memories in our hearts. We begin to ignore sweet moments, stop searching for meaning, not minding the mirth that can be brought by simple things. We become a useless monster cowering in the dark corner of ourselves, and constantly deal with loneliness, anger, regrets, solitude and pain.

For years, I have certainly forgotten myself, the old me who could see joy in the simple walks of the ants. I can not even remember the lines that I used to appreciate everyday, that had given me strength in all of my failures, that had pushed me to break the barriers of human limitations, that had fed my soul to sustain me in this chaotic world.

I cannot believe that I cannot even say the first line of a wonderful poem, a poem that had been a great part of my early beginnings, the time when I was just starting to stand up on my feet, to battle the daily struggle of life on my own.

All I know now is that I removed and threw away a huge part of me.

Desiderata (Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

I remember my room when I was in high school. I was always alone that time. My silence gave birth to my brilliance. Books, maps, magazines, everything provided me a wonderful universe, in where I created multitude of stories, of discoveries, of new life. In that imaginary world, I learned to appreciate the universe, the beauty of life, the wonderful future it could offer.

Why am I now bothered by silence? Why can’t I live my life alone anymore?

I became in impatient. I lost the ability to enjoy life alone.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

How can I listen to others, when I am no longer listening to myself? My ways point to no direction at all. I become lost, a wanderer, vagabond. I became an absorber. I can no longer distinguish myself from the crowd and I can no longer hear the original beat of my heart. I’ve lost a lot of myself to other people and my soul is weary.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Envy. Jealousy. Insecurity. Those are the demons I have gained from years of trying to be best among the rest, trying to compete with others, and being so possessive of what I have. I suddenly feared the thought of becoming a voracious empty human, of being not contented with what I currently have, or what others can offer to or share with me. I have lost the simple me, the person who used to sit in the grassland and read a book under the shade of coconut trees, and could lavish the joy of simple life. The dawn is longer wonderful in my eyes.

What happened and why I lost the mirth of simple life?

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

There are no new horizons anymore because I am no longer standing on the top of golden pinnacles and ivory tower. I am down here in the mortal lands and I feel I have been living the life of bananafish. I embraced the ordinary life and I just become the rest.

Where is future you used to wish upon the shooting star?

Arrogance engulfed me and left bloated with false recognition and awards, of temporary joy and infamy, and of mediocrity.

Why did I settle for less? What did I do to the gifts of Prometheus? Did I abandon everything?

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

I recognized the trickery of others long time ago. Now, I am blinded by vanity and selfishness. I should have been contented. I have forsaken and betrayed the love share with me by the people who cared and valued me so much. I have taken for granted all of the good memories I have treasured for years.

Why am I craving of selfish love? For something I know I cannot obtain in few days or months? Why did I rush things?

Did I lose my real understanding of true love and passion?

My life is full of them and I am wondering why I was not contented. Now, I am alone.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

I thought I have surrendered my youth. But I have never avoided circumstances that will only bring me false happiness. And in every seething moment, I fly like a young bird but lost in the darkness of the forest.

It was because of my longing of my youth that I embraced a miserable life.

When can I see the light? I long for the dawn.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Where is happiness? Where is my happiness? All I know life is beautiful but my heart is telling me it’s not. It is its ugliness that shattered me. I have to gather my pieces of happiness again. It’s me and only me who can piece it together again.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Cry – I Love Him

Why is it every time we miss someone we love, we feel this pinching pain inside our heart, crying in one corner of our rooms, crying every night, longing for those tender kisses, longing for those moments when we were together?

Why is it that when I love, things will eventually end up painful, sad, melancholic?

I always think of him. They said just let go and you will fine.

But how can I let go? How?

For two months, I have been longing for him. For two months I have been hoping that he would text and say, ei let’s have coffee somewhere. For two months I have been hoping to bump on him in the street. Every time I go somewhere in Makati, there’s this wishful thinking, that he would emerge somewhere, at least I could glance on his face. How can I let go if those sweet memories and moments are immortalized in my mind? How? Tell me?

Every afternoon, when I wake up, I was hoping he would send a message. At 2 am in the morning, in the office, I would watch my phone waiting for a text message. I would go down and sit on the stairs facing the avenue and I would cry because I remembered the days when we were sitting there together.

Those simple, small, minor, ignorable moments I had with him were the greatest moments I had in my life. Those were the things that I could not forget, things that stayed within me and reminded me that finally I found the true value of love. His existence was not just for the satisfaction of my sexual urges. His existence in my life was a great earthquake, ramifying within me and shattering my core systems of beliefs. He brought back to me the pain and beauty of love. He taught me to love again.

How can I forget the sweet memories, especially when I am longing for them every now and then? Commonwealth Avenue will never be the same for me. My bed will never be the same for me. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf will never be the same for me. Cinemas will never be the same for me. Leche flan will never be the same again. Everything in my usual life will never be the same again. Because every time I do things I used to do, his image will suddenly appear in my mind, reminding me of how sweet we used to be. A month of being together turned everything inside out. That short moment we had being together cannot be simply dismissed and it seems that it will be played over and over again in my mind for the rest of my life. That 1-month had been so much for me to bear emotionally.

I think I cannot find someone like him again.

Those eyes, that smile, that childish look, those innocent acts, everything, everything in him, will never be removed from my mind. I am always reminded by the thought that this guy, that this little boy, that this playful person, is the only Love I have. He shared wonderful moments with me, but why they have to end? Why?

He is my only joy.

Now, that he is longer beside me. What will I do? How can I get over him? The memories are killing my heart. I need him back to my arms.

I have nothing to offer him. I have nothing that I can give him to make him happy forever. I am not sure if he was happy with me. But there is one thing I know, no matter what I will do everything to make him truly happy with his existence. All I could offer is a life with different perspective, a life beyond the bounds of common people, a life that is so simple and wonderful.

I wish that somehow, I had shared something good to him, that I somehow matter to him, that when we were together he did love me.

Zeus, are we the star-crossed lovers? Are we?

I don’t care how he viewed the moments we had together. For me, those moments are very important for me because those were the moments I knew my heart was dancing in the rhythm of love once again. No matter how he viewed the thing between us, he would always be someone so special to me, someone who had brought me in new dimension of my life, someone I dearly love.

Come what may. I will still be here for him for I love him very much.

I love him. Fuck! I love him. I love him. I love him and this is the painful truth that is killing me every day. I cannot deny it anymore.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

To Hermes: Pouring out my heart

Hermes. Kindly deliver this message to someone I care and love so much. I think you know him already. I just need to pour my heart out to release some emotional steam deep within me. I cannot bear the pain anymore and need to speak out the turmoil of my heart.

Please let him know that despite the words that I have written, I still love them. I am not sure if he will loath me after reading this letter or not, but I just need to be honest with what I think and feel.


To The Person I love,

Why do you ignore me deliberately? Are you angry? Do you loath me? Or you just simply don’t care?

I don’t know the reason why after-all of the good times sadness and pain have to take place. I am trying to piece things together and a lot of questions left unanswered.

Did I do something terribly bad? Have you seen something in me unappealing that you have to stay-away? Why do you have to do this? Why?

If you think things will be cleared out by simply ignoring them then I think you are wrong. I am not a machine or toy. I am a human being and need some explanation why things have to go this way.

If you think I am not hurt. Then I am telling you that I am hurt and I am suffering the pains everyday.

You told me before people close to you get hurts. Now I have found the answer. It is not us who inflect pains in ourselves. It is you. Why? Because you avoid confrontations, you keep quite and say nothing at all, and ignore everything that had happened until they will be considered non-existent. Because of this avoidance, you inflict great pains to people who cared and loved you so much. Silence is more painful than pouring out your thoughts, your angst and your reasons. You can yell at me and that’s fine me. You can get angry and that’s fine with me. But leaving me in dark and uncertain situation, I think this is one thing that I cannot bear.

Are you insensitive? Or maybe you just don’t like emotional frills? Or maybe you just cannot face your fears? Whatever it is, you have to say something for you to be responsible of your actions. I took responsibility of what I did and now I am suffering the consequences. How about you?

Maybe my only mistake was that I love you and I had never had a chance to say it to you in person, or had the courage to verbalize it and every time we are together I deny it.

This time, I cannot deny it anymore because as time passes by pain is eating me everyday knowing that you are longer near me. I cannot reach you anymore.

I think you know how much I love you. Please be fair. Give me some answers. Ignoring me is not the way to free me. Let me know your stand and I will respect it. Just be honest with me. If you don’t like me to be your “close” friend anymore then tell me. It will be painful but at least I know than leaving me in dark corners with so many questions.

What did I do that made you change? If you say it’s nothing personal then for me it is because you had never given me a chance to set things right. If you think I am like the others, then you have not known the whole me (and I think you don’t care anymore to know the whole me). I am not like them and I defer to be like them.

You told me I have issues. I don’t have and I just realized it. I only have fears and I have recognized them already. It is you who have a lot of issues and you cannot resolve them if you are not communicating them. Tell me why you have to do this?

I am terribly hurt by what you did. But I cannot afford to hate you because my care and love is overpowering it.

If I still matter (am I?) then let me know your thoughts.

If I don’t then that’s fine with me. I guess I have to forget everything and simply dismiss the thought that we have been friends.

I know you need nothing from me. And that’s the most painful part.

I have cried a lot already. Maybe it is time for me to remove this certain segment of my life and throw it in the unreachable corner of my head. I am telling you now… I have never been hurt with this kind of pain in my whole life. You did not hurt me because you cannot return the love that I have for you. You did hurt me because you ignore me as if I have never existed in this universe.

I hope somehow I still matter to you. I know it doesn’t matter to you if you loose me or not because you have already everything and I am just a speck of dirt that can be easily removed. This is how I feel right now.

I apologize for being so upfront. I just need to be honest with my feelings. This is the difference between you and me.

In spite of everything, I need you emotionally right now. And I guess you cannot give me that.

Don’t worry, I still love you and I will always love you until my final days.

PS. I poured all my tears while I am writing this.

With all my heart,
Kent

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Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Coded for Billions of Years

Everyone is so busy and it started at dawn of this century. Here in the Philippines, everyone is busy dealing with the problems of the country governance. The masses are nit-picking the transactions of the government and the government is tripling its effort to catch up with the international community. I am not really sure with the happenings in the country’s educational system. In my opinion, I believe younger generation of my countrymen should catch up in terms of scientific and mathematical awareness for the world revolves in the exponential growth of scientific productivity. Every minute, scientists around the world is tremendously expanding the mathematical and scientific compendium of ideas.

Scientists are no longer concerned with the mundane activities of things on the surface of the earth. They are in fact pushing science to the limits, delving into the affairs of the collectives, the fickleness of the microscopic and the wonders of the cosmos. Astronomers, astrophysicists, cosmologists and mathematicians are peeking farther and farther to the oldest part of space, of our universe. And just now I realized that we cannot really see the stars in their current state. What we are seeing in the sky is the past of the universe. Biologist, geneticists and medical scientists are peeking deeper and deeper to the basic codes of life, decoding the unit entity of our existence, still going farther and farther to our past. Mathematicians and physicists are doubling their efforts in generalizing the events within and outside the sphere of human interaction. Social scientists and physicists (again) are no longer interested in individual course of action, but they are gearing in capturing the mathematics and laws of complex systems.

A lot and a lot more is happening within a day. Can we, Filipinos, catch up with the scientific developments around the world? How many geneticists do we have? How many astronomers or astrophysicists do we have? The scarcity of the scientists in the Philippines is understandable. We cannot support monetary-wise scientific endeavors yet. In fact, the Philippine economy has not transcended yet to scientific baseline from agricultural and services baseline.

So what can we do? Well, it’s not my problem anymore. I have my own personal issues to resolve and I will instead use my time in resolving these. Also, my popularity has impact and my network is not that extensive which can ramify my comments within the Philippine society.

Let me divert the topic from this qualm to the real reason why I write this entry.

Genetic studies are really leaping in phenomenal rate and it seems that we (the whole society) won’t stop until we have completely mapped and understood our own genetic structure. Yesterday, I read an article about genetic sequencing of a diploid genome, instead of the haploid being used by the Human Genome Project. This time, both pairs of the DNA strands have been sequenced. This is a pivotal event in genetics. At last, we can piece the whole shreds of our DNA’s, from both paternal and maternal lines, into something clear, comprehensible and readable.

For years, a lot had been done to hammer the DNA into something comprehensible but it took several years before we can completely see the whole structure, not just the structure as exemplified from one pair. Upon seeing the Genetic Card of Venter, I had this sudden burst of happiness. Is this already the start of unique human identification card?

The Diploid Genome Sequence of J. Craig Venter

Click here to see the whole Genome

From the images above, I am envisioning that someday that kind of information will be coded in a very small chip and will be implanted in our body and can be used us our identification record. What can you say? It’s paperless. All you need to know about someone is already there.

This is really mesmerizing, seeing the map of one’s genetic make-up. I am hoping that this won’t end here and that someday much more will be derived from this bar-coded, complicated, boring sheet of paper.

I have mush more to say about genetics but I don’t have the luxury of time to write them all. I am hoping someday that I can revisit this topic and completely capture my thoughts in words.

I am just happy today to know that things in scientific fields are working out.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Perfect Creation

Why can't I let go? Why?

I LOVE him! I still love him and I cannot help myself. My tears can't stop flowing. Why do I need to feel this pain? Why?

Am I cursed? Am I? When I find something beautiful, something perfect, a beholding creation, things begin to fade in the dark. Why all the joy will eventually end up to melancholy? Why am I feeling this deep solitude? Why?

"I hardly know this beauty by my side. I will never forget the way you look tonight."

Is it because of this? Is it because my heart is longing for someone who can provide comfort to my weary soul?

"I have never had such a feeling...such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight."

Maybe. Maybe this is the reason.

Sometimes, I have thought that I should not have changed. I should remain as someone with an adamantine heart, someone who doesn't know what the feeling of love is, because everytime I love, my heart would always end up in deep solitude.

For me he is a perfect creation. Something divine. Something that my heart will surely miss. How I wished those nights did not end.

These will forever hold the love I have for him. Whatever reasons he had, I would understand. Love is a lot like that. All I could do is to smile despite the melancholic flow of my tears.





Sunday, September 30, 2007

In 48 Hours

At last I learned preliminary toolsets I need in project management. After attending the 4 Fridays and 4 Saturdays project management training in UP Technology Management Center, I have obtained the skills, equipping myself to be a good project manager.

When I first attended this training, I did not mingle much with the group. The last day of the training was fun. I began to socialize and our class had great fun especially during the awarding of the diploma. As I mentioned before, the participants of the training came from the different industries. Because of this, I realized that the whole concept of project management encompasses different fields and flexible enough to cater all needs of a project manager even though it has tailored toolsets.

Now that I have the toolsets in my mind, will they be utilized in my work and personal life? Definitely yes! I will definitely use what I’ve learned from the training, not just in my professional endeavors but also in all of my personal projects. When I say personal, this includes my personal goals, by this year I will have this, by this year I must be like this and other stuffs that I have in my mind. In fact, I am already starting to create the log frames of these projects. I believe with this and discipline I can be able to achieve all I want both in my current work and in my personal life.

Anyway, here we are, the first project managers (based on this training) of UP Technology Management Center.












The Whole Class and Our Trainers









Some of the food we ate after the recognition program.










Saturday, September 29, 2007

Rainbow

Love? Are you asking me?



Strani Amori - Renato Russo




I don’t know how to define it. My experience of it is beyond the textbook understanding of anyone. However, I cannot claim that I have better understanding of it than anyone else. All I know love is strange, relative and illogical. It brings someone to a place beyond evolutionary consciousness of mating. It runs deep inside our souls and once we feel it explodes uncontrollably like a big bang. This is the place where all human emotions meet. This is the sky, the abyss, the joy and the pain.

All I know of love is that it is not the rainbow flag you see anywhere with defined lines between colors. It is the spectrum of human life. It sums up the whole us.

For months I have been tormented by it. It’s bittersweet. It’s mirth. It’s deep sadness. But it’s always beautiful no matter what.

I am longing to have someone who can share moments with me like these:













Photos above are paintings of Steve Walker.

On Homeokinetics (Complex System)

While browsing the e-news awhile ago, I encountered this article in INQ (Philippine Daily Inquirer). I was surprised to read this article because write-ups like these are rare nowadays. The writer introduced the concept of Homeokinetics to the laymen without mathematical scribbles.

I have to look for this write-up in Science Journal and see the exposition written by May Lim of UP Diliman (one of my goddesses in UP). This could be interesting because it tackles the Boundary Problem of the complex systems.

Here's the complete article:

Math can prevent violence, says RP physicist
By Queena Lee-Chua
Inquirer
Last updated 02:41am (Mla time) 09/30/2007

MANILA, Philippines -- After the 9/11 attacks in the United States, I visited a Muslim vendor at the Greenhills Shopping Center tiangge. I asked her if she had experienced any repercussions, but she assured me: “We are fine. We are all friends here.”

For many years, Muslim and Christian stall owners have been engaged in friendly competition, as they ply their trade side by side.

At an international conference, I asked a Singapore educator how their country had managed to remain peaceful despite the variety of ethnic groups and religions there.

He replied: “Chinese, Malay, Indian, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian, Hindu—we grow up together. In school, each group can choose to learn its own dialect and its own faith, but everyone is required to mingle with each other, and all students must learn English. We respect one another’s religions; our temples, churches, mosques are near each other.”

Violence is typically the subject of sociology or psychology.

My classes at Ateneo de Manila University study violence in terms of prejudice, groupthink, aggressive instincts.

A few years back, I tried using math to model conflict, specifically how game theory (popularized by Nobel laureate John Nash, portrayed in the movie “A Beautiful Mind”) could shed light on the Spratly Islands dispute and the 1986 Edsa Revolution.

However, there were too many real-life factors that my simple model could not control, so I stopped that line of research.

But math, it turns out, can prevent violence.

Not game theory this time, but a new field called the science of complex systems, whose principles have long been used to study how chemicals, like oil and water, or solid, liquid and gas, behave in the laboratory, and the boundaries between them. Of course, humans are certainly more complex than molecules. But according to a landmark report that appeared in the prestigious journal Science (Sept. 14, 2007), math can help make sense of how different groups interact.

The lead author of the report is a Filipino—May T. Lim of the University of the Philippines’ National Institute of Physics in Diliman, Quezon City.

“I have always been interested in science, as well as music, literature and the arts, although between science and recess, I would have picked recess any day,” Lim says.

What motivated her to pursue physics?

“MacGyver!” she says—certainly prescient, because, as any 1980s TV buff knows, MacGyver does use his scientific skills to combat violence.

The study on math and violence started three years ago, in the latter half of 2004, shortly after Lim went to the New England Complex Systems Institute (Necsi) in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

“My personal involvement started about a year later,” she recalls. “I had been working on using modeling to describe other systems during my doctorate work at UP before that. But my mentor and co-author, Necsi president Yaneer Bar-Yam, started research on violence seven years ago in his book ’Making Things Work.’”

More than 100 million people have died in ethnic violence in the last century. Researchers try to pinpoint probable roots, such as resource competition, territorial squabbles, economic competition.

But Lim and Bar-Yam, together with Richard Metzler, now focus on something that has been neglected so far—the boundaries between different groups.

“We performed statistical analyses comparing the predicted to the reported violence, evaluating the ability of the model to determine both where violence occurs and where violence does not occur,” the scientists report.

Different ethnic, cultural or social groups interact in various ways, depending on how much they are mixed. Social and political factors can trigger violence, but it is more likely to occur with specific types of boundaries.

What boundaries? For one, violence tends to occur when boundaries between different groups are not clear.

“When a group is large enough to impose its cultural standards publicly, but not large enough to prevent them from being broken, violence normally occurs,” Lim says.

Think of islands or peninsulas composed of one cultural group, surrounded by a different one. These areas may most likely become hotspots of violence because the boundaries are not well-defined.

By studying census figures, Lim and her group discovered that unclear boundaries were linked to violence during the Bosnian wars in the former Yugoslavia and recent conflicts in India.

For their study on India, the scientists created a map based on the 2001 census showing the relative population sizes of different groups like Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Sikhs, Buddhists and Jains.

By looking at the boundaries between the groups, they predicted—with an astonishing 90-percent accuracy—locations of extreme violence, especially in Kashmir, Punjab and other areas in Northwest India.

The scientists also predicted accurately that other areas would have lesser violence, such as Jharkhand.

To prevent violence, policymakers need to identify areas at risk and make boundaries clearer. (“Good fences make good neighbors,” said the poet Robert Frost.)

True, groups that are separated by clear boundaries can still experience some antagonism because of other reasons. But boundaries prevent mixing, which minimizes the chance of violence.

The scientists cite Ireland as an example. Because of historical and religious differences, we should expect unstoppable conflict there. But because of clear boundaries that hinder much mixing, violence has generally been prevented in the past years.

Does this mean that we should erect fences among us, the higher the better?

Not exactly, and certainly not all the time, say the scientists: “Caution is warranted to ensure that the goal of preventing violence does not become a justification for it. Even a peaceful process of separation is likely to be objectionable.”

They urge us to think about negative effects of separation, such as displacement of populations. But there is another way.

A friend told me once that he almost came to blows with a neighbor over the task of clearing a giant tree felled by a typhoon:

“The tree lay practically between our gardens. After much argument, we finally came to our senses and cooperated. He cleared the tree, and I paid him for it.”

This brings us to the second result of Lim’s study—one I find more congenial than erecting high fences. Violence can be prevented by thoroughly mixing different groups so that islands and peninsulas do not even form.

The study confirms what my Singaporean colleague told me. In Singapore, more than 80 percent of the population live in public housing, where rules specify the percentage of ethnic groups occupying housing blocks.

National laws force cultural mixing, and various peoples literally have no choice but to live and grow up side by side. There are social tensions at times, but violence is generally absent.

Why is this so? In places where people are highly mixed, no group becomes big enough to develop a strong identity, or to impose its culture on others.

Groups “are neither imposed upon nor impose upon other groups, and are not perceived as a threat to the cultural values or social and political self-determination of others,” the scientists say.

Lim and her group believe that their work can be applied to deal with violence in Iraq and Africa. The model has yet to be applied to the Philippines.

“That would be an interesting project,” Lim muses.

She adds: “The key is to understand how the boundary structure of the population and the geography interact. When violence is sporadic, like what happens in our country, the conditions are likely to be just barely meeting those that promote violence.

“Ethnic violence is a very serious problem. But now we have the ability to help prevent it using a scientific approach.”

Lim’s research has already proven my “suki” right. As long as different groups mix closely together, as they do in the Greenhills tiangge, there is hope for us.

* * *

(The author is a professor of mathematics and psychology at the Ateneo de Manila University. She may be reached at blessbook@yahoo.com.)


Monday, September 24, 2007

Bad Day

This is one thing that I don’t like about myself. I can’t get over with something I fucked up. I will always think of it and stressed myself on it until someone will tell me that things will be ok.

Few hours ago, I had a chat with one of our clients and he inquired me if we finished the caching of an online system over the weekend. I told him that we were not yet done. We were finishing things in an hour or so. Then, he suddenly told me that that was a big mistake because Hooman, one of the clients, of this account promised them to finish everything by Sunday. And we were not able to finish it because we did not treat this side task as an urgent matter. Hooman told me to finish things by Sunday 6 pm, but we did not able to do it. The only mistake I did was that I did not inform Hooman last Sunday that we weren’t able to finish it and we continued working on it today.

To my desperation to finish it, I instructed 4 people to finish the task with the estimated one hour to accomplish everything. Unknown to me, the clients were simultaneously using the program for sale presentation to their clients and what we were doing with the system terribly affected the system and their presentation. Everything was impossibly slow, according to one of the client who was doing the presentation.

I did a terrible and lousy decision today and I feel bad about it. I should not have told them to continue the task. I should not have told them that we were not yet done. But at least I had been honest to them. My intention was good but it happened in the wrong time.

I can’t simply let go of this fucked-up decision. It is tormenting me until now.

How I wish I can bring back time.

From Canada to Somewhere


It’s raining hard outside. My body is again in stasis mode, making hard for my system to seize the day. So I slept whole day and did not attend my classes this morning. When I woke up few hours ago my stomach was grumbling. So, I prepared my breakfast and good mug of coffee, Nescafe Vanilla Flavor. Right now, I have a second mug of coffee here in front of me, enjoying a sip while writing this, as well as the sound of the rain outside.

I scoured my mind for today’s topic but I couldn’t find an appropriate starting point of my thoughts. I was supposed to write my reflections on a certain intellectual issue but there was a missing connection in my brain that I could not explicitly express my analyses. As the minute electric current traveled through the wires of my brain, it passed through a certain node that reminded me of some remote philosophical exposition of myself. Everything started to tick from that point and now here I am recalling that distant past of my lightcone.

Two weeks ago, while I was having my “yosi” break from the lecture of the training I was attending (Project Management Training, UP Technology Management Center), I overheard two MS management students discussing about leaving the country and working abroad with lucrative salary offering. They were talking about the working atmosphere in Guam, Saipan, Taiwan, Japan, New Zealand and US. Upon hearing their conversation, I also asked myself if I have plans to leave the country. Several weeks before this I was discussing with Pow (my good friend) of my indefinite plan to go to Canada. I couldn’t help myself, but I was terribly bothered by this thought. Am I really planning to do this? Did I ever plan this? Yes, when I was a child. I was planning to live in New York, having my own pad there, working hard and living life in very cosmopolitan way. But I never ever did plan in my life to live somewhere, to work hard, to earn so much money, to become very rich and when I go home to become famous in my town. So, what I really want in my life?

For the interim, I shelved that thought and went back to the training room. That evening, while preparing myself to sleep, my mind did not stop bothering me about that topic. I took a stick cigarette, prepared a good mug of coffee and sat on my bed, contemplating and reflecting solemnly on this matter. I wasn’t able to provide myself a good and satisfactory answer until last night.

It was Mr. Linderman (Heroes character), who supplied the right answer that provided peace to my heart. He said: “There are two kinds of people here on earth. Some will live life of happiness, while some will live life of meaning. For those who will live life of happiness, they value the present so much, and live life in the present. While for those who live life of meaning, they hold on to the past and they are very obsessed with the future.” Upon hearing this, the conversation I overheard few weeks ago surfaced again and my mind tried to find a connection between them. This connection is the answer to what I am really trying to have in my life. It is living life of meaning.



How living life of meaning is connected with going abroad? For some it might be irrelevant, or incongruous. But for me, it is deeply coded in my goal of living life of meaning. My mind collects the past and projects things in the future. I gather pieces of history in the backdrop of time and it is in the understanding of my life against the movement of time where I am trying to seek meaning. My goal transcends any boundary. It lies in the borderless space and does not recognize any territorial boundaries, either local or global. I don’t need to go anywhere, because, somehow, deep inside of me, something is telling me that if I just focus my effort, my attention and my extra time in accomplishing my goal, it will bring me anywhere I want, including any uncharted space. The only way for me to reach this goal is to forget the concept of present time, living life not in seeking daily happiness but seeking for my future happiness. My concerted effort must be directed in forward point and start working on the foundations of my future goal (I have started to work on this but it was halted because I took a short detour).

It is because of future why I exist.



Ancient27

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Friday, September 21, 2007

To The Wedding

Inside the cab, on our way to Antipolo City to attend a friend’s wedding, we, Jayr, Pow and I, had an intense debate on the plight of the Filipino people and the incapacity, as blindly observed by most people, of the government to supply the needs of its people. My thoughts that time stood on the ground where things could be viewed macroscopically, treating society, people and government, its co-dependent components, as one intricate interconnected system. One cannot exist without the other. People need to exist to have government and governance is important to have a stable society, to maintain a cohesive collection of interacting human beings. Government is a veritable result, unavoidable one, of social species living in assembly in bounded area. People and government, government and people, are the two major components of the society for us unconventionally, in functional and modern definition, to call it as such.

I can’t really remember how we started the conversation, but the thoughts on this matter we were throwing to each other are still vivid in my mind. Jayr blamed the government on the current state of the Filipino. In his opinion, as he asserted, the government did not meet its responsibilities to the Filipino people. I disagreed. For me, we cannot blame everything to the government. For a society, to advance its state, each component should comply and meet its role in concerted effort for all political and economic platforms to work smoothly. The economic platforms of the government this administration period are robust enough to alleviate the economic state of the Filipino. However, patience is needed because these platforms take time to achieve their converging goal. Not just patience, every member of the Filipino should do they share, because any massive economic reform cannot be pushed forward if there is no concerted effort of the collective to move it forward. Everything boils down to intricate and interdependent relationship of the people and their government.

With the understanding of this intricate relationship, we can now synthesize the clear picture of the events in Filipino society. For me, as I can see it, the government is indeed fairly doing its parts, as you can see in all massive economic restructuring. I believe, the government, and specifically the President, has a holistic and committed agenda to uplift the economic state of this nation. Now, after we have seen the effort of the government, let’s focus our attention to the other component of the society, the people. Are they doing their share? We cannot say that the whole Filipino populace is not doing its share, certain classes only. I observed that Class C and D Filipino masses are not doing their share. Their doubts and clamors hinder the whole nation to move forward. How I wish their trust and understanding of the Philippine governance should grow up. They are the ones who create a vicious cycle of the economic cancer of the Philippine society. Their old system of beliefs and skeptical view of the economic agenda of any President, who somehow they elected, feed the soul of the opportunist, monstrous, voracious, and greedy politicians, as heightened by the selfish and irresponsible media. These are the members of the society, most specifically the Filipino, who have done nothing at all but ruin all the good intentions of the government. They have exaggerated the concept of democracy, and those who have understood the clear and technical workings of it have also exploited this frailty of lower Filipino classes.

The other thing I iterated during our debate is the weakness of some of the lower classes of Filipinos, the attitude of misplaced contentment and love of quick money. Because of these I claimed that they are not doing their share. They are contented to wake up by noon and sit around doing nothing at all waiting for the government to provide them their day to day needs. Sometimes, I believe they have this concept of government as provider of their actual real needs, like any politician giving them rice, canned goods, etc. daily. They are expecting that someone will work for them to feed them. The government exists not to provide us tangible things in the form of packaged goods handed out to us daily. It exists to provide us ways and means to feed ourselves. These classes of Filipino people did not absorb the teaching of feeding someone with fish and teaching someone to fish. Another frustrating attitude of these classes is the love of quick-money. Most believe that they can get money easily, by just sitting around the corner and waiting for someone to give them money. One case, that I had learned few years ago, that proved my thoughts on the Filipino misplaced contentment and laziness, was the mass housing project of the government such as BLISS, etc. I found out that some beneficiaries of the housing sold their units and went back to the squatter areas and beg the government again to provide them housing units. Imagine this, they were contended to live in squatter area in exchange of the cash that they can get from selling their units as provided by the government. This is indeed misplaced contentment.

Jayr scolded me because of this. He told me that I was judgmental and prejudicial. He asked me if I ever tried to live with them and had fully understood the plight of the lower class Filipinos. Yes, I tried to be with them for years and I realized that they were the one who created that mess in their lives and not the government. Seeing them in cyclical miserable lifestyle with contentment and seeing their reluctance to do something with it further proved my beliefs that the Filipino masses are just looking for scapegoats for all the mistakes that they have done in their lives. It is not the responsibility of the government to wake them up in the morning and tell them eat your breakfast and go to work. I stressed out to Jayr that it was sympathy that made him to be on their side and not because of logical understanding of the workings of collective system. He was touched because he saw their miserable situation and he forgot to look at things in historical and macroscopic view. He should have asked himself, are they doing something to get out from this miserable life? For me, I would answer no. They are just keeping their lives in this cycle of poverty that they have created.

To truly move the country to certain level of development, or to remove poverty from society, the lower classes of the Filipino should start changing their views and should start working their asses to provide their family with comfortable life and to provide their children with fair level of education so that they get out from the cycle of impoverished lifestyle. They need to stop blaming the President for their plight. They should have asked their selves, is it really the government that brings misery to our lives or is it ourselves?

The problem with the Filipino lower masses does not come from the set-up and execution of our governance. They put themselves in that level. It is their individual effort to alleviate the status of their life that will end all of their woes. Development and good society won’t come from the government but will come from the individual effort geared towards concerted agenda of eliminating poverty. Everyone must do their share.

We ended our discussion to another topic that I will be discussing soon. It has something to do from the leap of the Philippine culture from Agricultural to Industrial, missing one important revolution that I believe we need to undergo. For now, I have to end my thoughts here.

Anyway, when we arrived at Gen’s house we dressed up immediately because she was already furious. We were quite late for her wedding.

Here are some photos:


The Newlyweds and the Secondary Sponsors


anton, jb (jabo), maida, pow and me

Pow, JayR and Me

Me and JC (Iris' son)

Nelson and Me

A dance with Iris' Mom



Wednesday, September 19, 2007

15 Slides

Since two weeks ago, I have been so busy with things in school, work and personal learning endeavors. Twenty four hours of a day are not enough to finish all the billion things my mind wants to do. An additional one hour of the “Labyrinth” time can be a great help and I wish, as much as nature can give, I can have this. Unfortunately the Earth rotates for approximately 24 hours only and man is used to measure the interval of tasks on this basis, leaving us with no choice but to deal with all of our ideas within this bound. Oh! How I wish Chronos will provide me the luxury of time.

If you are going to let me describe the things I did for almost three weeks, the two PowerPoint presentations I created for the company can perfectly show you the whole picture of my efforts. The 15 slides of each presentation contain my thoughts and my plans because while doing them the design somehow represents the scattered ideas juggled within my brain.

These two presentations were used by two managers for their activities. One was for the client presentation showing how we celebrate “Success” in the company and the other was for recruitment purposes of the HR department, which they showcased it during the job fair. Both were created in just a couple of hours. I was so excited that I was able to furnish them in very tight deadline to the point that the finishing touches of one of them were done while we were in transit from Quezon City to Makati. To my recollection, it was indeed fun to tinker on the laptop keys in the backseat while the driver was treading the car along the highway. I did not mind the traffic jam and the rain that time. I was just enjoying the task of animating the slide show.


Here are the snapshots of the slides of the presentations.


Show 2: Presented to the soon-to-be employees of the company.




Slide 1


Slide 2


Slide 3


Slide 4


Slide 5


Slide 6


Slide 7


Slide 8


Slide 9


Slide 10


Slide 11



Slide 12


Slide 13


Slide 14


Slide 15


Show 1: Presented to the client.



Slide 1





Slide 3


Slide 4


Slide 5


Slide 6


Slide 7


Slide 8


Slide 9


Slide 10


Slide 11


Slide 12


Slide 13


Slide 14


Slide 15


Slide 16

The presentations I did were not that grand but somehow I found a little happiness in what I did.