Forgotten

Journeying without purpose is tiresome, pushing us to be forgetful of the lessons we painfully garnered from our starting phases. We tend to forget of the past, of the circumstances that had banked joyful memories in our hearts. We begin to ignore sweet moments, stop searching for meaning, not minding the mirth that can be brought by simple things. We become a useless monster cowering in the dark corner of ourselves, and constantly deal with loneliness, anger, regrets, solitude and pain.

For years, I have certainly forgotten myself, the old me who could see joy in the simple walks of the ants. I can not even remember the lines that I used to appreciate everyday, that had given me strength in all of my failures, that had pushed me to break the barriers of human limitations, that had fed my soul to sustain me in this chaotic world.

I cannot believe that I cannot even say the first line of a wonderful poem, a poem that had been a great part of my early beginnings, the time when I was just starting to stand up on my feet, to battle the daily struggle of life on my own.

All I know now is that I removed and threw away a huge part of me.

Desiderata (Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

I remember my room when I was in high school. I was always alone that time. My silence gave birth to my brilliance. Books, maps, magazines, everything provided me a wonderful universe, in where I created multitude of stories, of discoveries, of new life. In that imaginary world, I learned to appreciate the universe, the beauty of life, the wonderful future it could offer.

Why am I now bothered by silence? Why can’t I live my life alone anymore?

I became in impatient. I lost the ability to enjoy life alone.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

How can I listen to others, when I am no longer listening to myself? My ways point to no direction at all. I become lost, a wanderer, vagabond. I became an absorber. I can no longer distinguish myself from the crowd and I can no longer hear the original beat of my heart. I’ve lost a lot of myself to other people and my soul is weary.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Envy. Jealousy. Insecurity. Those are the demons I have gained from years of trying to be best among the rest, trying to compete with others, and being so possessive of what I have. I suddenly feared the thought of becoming a voracious empty human, of being not contented with what I currently have, or what others can offer to or share with me. I have lost the simple me, the person who used to sit in the grassland and read a book under the shade of coconut trees, and could lavish the joy of simple life. The dawn is longer wonderful in my eyes.

What happened and why I lost the mirth of simple life?

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

There are no new horizons anymore because I am no longer standing on the top of golden pinnacles and ivory tower. I am down here in the mortal lands and I feel I have been living the life of bananafish. I embraced the ordinary life and I just become the rest.

Where is future you used to wish upon the shooting star?

Arrogance engulfed me and left bloated with false recognition and awards, of temporary joy and infamy, and of mediocrity.

Why did I settle for less? What did I do to the gifts of Prometheus? Did I abandon everything?

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

I recognized the trickery of others long time ago. Now, I am blinded by vanity and selfishness. I should have been contented. I have forsaken and betrayed the love share with me by the people who cared and valued me so much. I have taken for granted all of the good memories I have treasured for years.

Why am I craving of selfish love? For something I know I cannot obtain in few days or months? Why did I rush things?

Did I lose my real understanding of true love and passion?

My life is full of them and I am wondering why I was not contented. Now, I am alone.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

I thought I have surrendered my youth. But I have never avoided circumstances that will only bring me false happiness. And in every seething moment, I fly like a young bird but lost in the darkness of the forest.

It was because of my longing of my youth that I embraced a miserable life.

When can I see the light? I long for the dawn.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Where is happiness? Where is my happiness? All I know life is beautiful but my heart is telling me it’s not. It is its ugliness that shattered me. I have to gather my pieces of happiness again. It’s me and only me who can piece it together again.

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