Paradox

Contradiction within my self, within my own life, within all things I know and all of them seems to be true and their truthfulness debunks my whole existence.

What do I really want?

I woke up this morning in blank state, suddenly feeling the emptiness of my existence. Absurdity simply connotes an existential view of my personal history. I am now converging in the era of my life that everything in this world seems trivial and does not matter or does not put weight to my whole existence. I am tired of the world, of my usual life, of things that I am seeing every day, of normal stuffs, of same events over and over again. I want to see the light, to see new horizon that will eventually bring new mirth to my existence.

Christmas is coming closer. Am I happy? Am I excited? Days are all the same, mundane, pathetic and empty.

But why I keep on living? Despite this bleak disposition of my existence, why I cease to exist? Does this mean there is still hope, that there is still something great in-stored for me? Does the universe is still indifferent and looking at me like a speck of dust?

So much questions. Maybe I should settle for something ordinary for now. As much as I want to bring my life back, more and more circumstantial events popping up that hinder me move forward. What is happening?

I lost the taste of enjoying all beauty of life.

I need something more beautiful and more meaningful.

I hate it when I am feeling this way every now and then because I am asking myself questions that make things complicated. Why can’t I settle for things that I have now?

Fear. Aha, it is fear. I have a lot of fears in my life, especially of my future. My mind is always clouded with normal things in life and I can’t focus on what I really want.

I have to rant now just to release these disappointments within me. I am disappointed with the current state of the world, disappointed with everything.

Maybe, I am just in the wrong corner of the world. The world I have now does not provide me the joy that I am looking for. This mini world of my life is far beyond from what I really want. Maybe I am just impatient and this is killing me.

Soon, I am hoping to see a new dimension, something as mysterious as the black holes and invisible as the dark matter.