Cry – I Love Him

Why is it every time we miss someone we love, we feel this pinching pain inside our heart, crying in one corner of our rooms, crying every night, longing for those tender kisses, longing for those moments when we were together?

Why is it that when I love, things will eventually end up painful, sad, melancholic?

I always think of him. They said just let go and you will fine.

But how can I let go? How?

For two months, I have been longing for him. For two months I have been hoping that he would text and say, ei let’s have coffee somewhere. For two months I have been hoping to bump on him in the street. Every time I go somewhere in Makati, there’s this wishful thinking, that he would emerge somewhere, at least I could glance on his face. How can I let go if those sweet memories and moments are immortalized in my mind? How? Tell me?

Every afternoon, when I wake up, I was hoping he would send a message. At 2 am in the morning, in the office, I would watch my phone waiting for a text message. I would go down and sit on the stairs facing the avenue and I would cry because I remembered the days when we were sitting there together.

Those simple, small, minor, ignorable moments I had with him were the greatest moments I had in my life. Those were the things that I could not forget, things that stayed within me and reminded me that finally I found the true value of love. His existence was not just for the satisfaction of my sexual urges. His existence in my life was a great earthquake, ramifying within me and shattering my core systems of beliefs. He brought back to me the pain and beauty of love. He taught me to love again.

How can I forget the sweet memories, especially when I am longing for them every now and then? Commonwealth Avenue will never be the same for me. My bed will never be the same for me. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf will never be the same for me. Cinemas will never be the same for me. Leche flan will never be the same again. Everything in my usual life will never be the same again. Because every time I do things I used to do, his image will suddenly appear in my mind, reminding me of how sweet we used to be. A month of being together turned everything inside out. That short moment we had being together cannot be simply dismissed and it seems that it will be played over and over again in my mind for the rest of my life. That 1-month had been so much for me to bear emotionally.

I think I cannot find someone like him again.

Those eyes, that smile, that childish look, those innocent acts, everything, everything in him, will never be removed from my mind. I am always reminded by the thought that this guy, that this little boy, that this playful person, is the only Love I have. He shared wonderful moments with me, but why they have to end? Why?

He is my only joy.

Now, that he is longer beside me. What will I do? How can I get over him? The memories are killing my heart. I need him back to my arms.

I have nothing to offer him. I have nothing that I can give him to make him happy forever. I am not sure if he was happy with me. But there is one thing I know, no matter what I will do everything to make him truly happy with his existence. All I could offer is a life with different perspective, a life beyond the bounds of common people, a life that is so simple and wonderful.

I wish that somehow, I had shared something good to him, that I somehow matter to him, that when we were together he did love me.

Zeus, are we the star-crossed lovers? Are we?

I don’t care how he viewed the moments we had together. For me, those moments are very important for me because those were the moments I knew my heart was dancing in the rhythm of love once again. No matter how he viewed the thing between us, he would always be someone so special to me, someone who had brought me in new dimension of my life, someone I dearly love.

Come what may. I will still be here for him for I love him very much.

I love him. Fuck! I love him. I love him. I love him and this is the painful truth that is killing me every day. I cannot deny it anymore.

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