Hi Set!
Internalization and deep reflection can really provide clear meanings to all the muddy events that are happening to a single human life. Indeed, his absence has provided me ample time to put together the pieces of somewhat confusing and unclear relationship. And I arrived at the solution that everything was my fault. I determined several points that could answer all of my “whys” and all of these points converged towards me. It’s my emotional frailty that pushed me to the edge of rational chasm and I suddenly fell down the deep abyss of irrationality where jealousy, envy and insecurity lurked. These three treacherous human emotions caught my heart and spread out within me like wild fire, dismantling the walls and foundations of my emotional self. I had to back off to mitigate the spreading of these poisons. Good thing, he initiated to put distance, at least somehow, in someway, I was able to call the stronger side of me. Now, I am very glad to realize that I was learning from the process, exploring the other side of me that at first I thought was strong and invincible, but later on had been weakened just in a single blow. This time I think I know how to build walls as strong as diamond. Human life is a tremendous emotional release and struggle before you can claim it as something worth living for.
Of all the faulty points I determined, here are the most influential to me because I learned something new from them, faulty terms of the equation.
Being stubborn. I pushed things to the wall. My dreamy mind imagined things of the future that I was not supposed to worry myself. In the first place, he already mentioned to me that we could have certain sexual affair but no strings attached at all. My stubbornness broke this agreement. I was so adamant to pursue something beyond the sexual arena eventhough I was aware that he wouldn’t want that kind of thing. However, this had been an eye-opener for me. I was able to uncover some of my hidden fears and it occurred to me that I was frightened to be abandoned by any of my friend. This could be explained by so many friendships that I had forged with people and I eventually vanished from their sights, maintaining only few within my circle. Arrogance of being independent surfaced, and bickering at me, telling me that now I would know the feeling of being abandoned. Nobody abandoned me but I abandoned a lot of human beings in my life. And stubbornness indirectly released my fear of being abandoned. I was able to understand why I felt that kind of feeling. Human, as a competitive species, or any other species, and bounded by the laws of evolution, tend to outmaneuver the circumstance before it knocks him/her off. However, nature doesn’t only favor her mechanism to the existence of Homo sapiens. So at some point, Human, will have a chance to understand the feeling of being conquered by the circumstance. In evolutionary term, I would say, he was the winner and I was the loser. But in human term, he was the mentor and I was the student and I learned my lesson in heavy emotional turmoil. He taught my genes to fight the fear of abandonment.
Irrational. The most erroneous thing I did in this kind of game, where rules had been laid out already, was I let my emotions intervened with my actions. As a result, irrational decisions were made and both parties had been hurt, one way or another. The answer to my question why I keep on hurting myself could be also explained by this reflection. I hurt myself because I let my emotional core to control things whenever I was in situation like this, without even consulting my rational mind. I begun to ask irrelevant questions that were not supposed to be asked because it would defeat the purpose of the rule we had laid out when we started this affair. Inconsistency rocked my arguments and explanations and somehow I lost the logical tone of my sentences. I was not able to maintain the stability of the bond I forged. I abhor irrational actions and for years I have been so unsentimental, but the intricate and structured convolution of human interaction, in more logical way of saying it, or in poetic lines, the playfulness of the Fates and the Kindly Ones, I eventually gave in to the control of my heart. Of course, I became teary and feeble, to the point that I was not practically productive – never had been since January this year, but this time it was heightened thousand times. I recognized this frail part of me, the overly dramatic side of me. For certain circumstances this could be regarded as my asset, but most of the time, this is definitely my waterloo. When I am emotional weary, I succumb to the mandate of my heart, and then cocoon myself through retiring from the role I have chosen in any human interaction. Shakespeare is indeed right, all the world’s a stage, and it is up for you when to have your exit, and try to assess in the backstage how you have fared. Irrational behavior did not conjure a good portrayal of my role anymore, and I appeared unconvincing to the audience.
Uncertainty Principle. Each one of us has certain ironies in our beliefs and understanding of things. For weeks now, it dawned to me that I somehow feared uncertainties in life and this is the ironic part in the system of my beliefs and guiding principles. Transiency suppressed the methodical and organized approach of my life and as far as I could recollect it was brought by my sudden embrace of the bohemian life. It was necessary for me to abandon a well calculated path for I had noticed that everything had been ergastic. So I set a course towards the winding path of a vagabond. However, my inner self was conflicting with my newly found desire. And the series of events lately unfolded an ancient cosmic battle within me. Night after night, I had an inescapable confrontation with myself. The origin of this conflict was when I muddled up my understanding of certainty and uncertainty. Life path should be certain but events within the path should accommodate uncertainties. Everything in this universe holds the validity of the Uncertainty Principle, in cosmological and quantum mechanical sense. But for complicated layers of interaction of complex systems, there are some variables that are certain because of a common goal and that is to survive and other variables are limited to certain ranges presenting certain points of uncertainties. It is the result of collective jitters to our limited approximation. One good example is how we live our life. There are things that we must be certain of but uncontrolled events will definitely provide us a ground where we can fully grasp the mechanics of uncertainty principle at work. What happened to me was that I completely relied on the fact that things are always uncertain that I could definitely get a temporal joy from it to the expense of my mathematical nature that would require exact or approximate points guaranteeing certain disposition in my life. I was not able to protect myself from evident consequence of absolute uncertainty, drawing me to instability, eventually losing the core of myself, became vulnerable, and left in the state that I could no longer pin point which aspect of my life was certain and which was not. My encounter with this young lad offered me a chance to shred out which aspect of my life must be certain. At the end of it, only one thing is certain and that is someday my life will end with profound satisfaction within my heart. It means I absolutely found the mirth of living the Human life. This is the thing I have lost for years because I overly relied that everything is uncertain, and this is the main reason also why I crave for certainties. I cannot dare uncertainties if I cannot accept this certain end of my journey. And now I know cosmos is calling me like it had called me since I was born.
Semantics. I grew up doing my actions by theorems, axioms and lemmas. When I encountered something new in my life, I would not stop decoding the basic principles behind it, and once I had learned the underlying mechanisms I would extend it to my day to day dealings to the point people would call me insensitive or heartless. That time some called my life prosaic. During mid-college years I realized that I had been so hard to myself, denying myself, as a human being, of things that the world could offer. So I decided to shift my course from being prosaic, scientific and mathematical, to something poetic. Since then, I had not bothered myself about the future and the past. Life in poetry introduced me to the connotative and denotative meanings of language, of words. At first I thought I would loose my attitude of defining things before fully comprehending them, but unconsciously it became more evident, and a friend pointed that out to me. She said I was full of meanings, full of definitions, to the point that this semantics created contradictions within me. I tried to understand why she said that. Didn’t I let go of the routines that would lead other people to call me selfish or insensitive? Or didn’t I live my life devoid of predefined strategies or actions just like going with the flow of the river? And why is someone telling me that I am still full of definitions? Am I defining a lot of things? Indeed, I was, and I am, and I will be. Maybe this is the part of me that I cannot deny, that I cannot just abandon. I have to define things, every event in my life to fully comprehend why I exist after-all. The problem I had was that I mixed the definitions of physical world and the flexible and arbitrary definitions of human language. Poetry indeed influenced my whole personality to be flexible and “go with the flow.” This compromised my rational understanding of things. Am I happy? Or am I contented? Definitely no, I seek for universal truth and I think I cannot survive having numerous definitions of one concept. I absorbed so many definitions from other people, from every interaction I had, in almost seven years, and in the process I lost the definitions laid out by my own perception. That was the error I did. I had not checked the definitions I absorbed against the guiding theorems, axioms, and lemmas of my life and that was the reason why I crumbled apart. If their definitions are within the confine of natural number space, mine are within the confine of the abstract space.
Seth, I am going back to basic properties when I started to live my life here as a mortal man. I am gathering the pieces of myself that I had abandoned for seven years. The points above determined where I am going to start.
I am hoping that soon I will be back there in the Expanse. Also, for a change I don’t watch movies in cinemas anymore, just like the old days.
Send my regards to everyone in Expanse, especially to Adonis, the only center of my heart.
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