Cappuccino Moment in McCafe

After a circuitous ride around Quezon City, finding my way to Diliman from Project 8, Baesa, I took a short coffee break in McCafe just beside the Quezon Ave. MRT Station. I just came from my successive classes from 11 to 4 and I felt the need to sip a good cup of coffee. One medium cappuccino came to my table while I was puffing a purposeful stick of cigarette. People in front of me were in undirected transit, coming from all directions, passing through my eyes, and I was watching them inattentively. Deep inside, I didn’t really mind them, and their images were blurred, like ghosts passing through my eyes without sense of why I was watching them.

My mind was with myself. After a sip of caffeine from the paper cup, my mind was floating somewhere in the chaotic space of the metropolis. It asked me one question, freezing everything around me, bringing my thoughts somewhere that mocked my ego in very short interim. Where am I leading?

Am I like them, in undirected transit? Where am I in my journey? What did I really want when I begun this journey long time ago? Did I achieve anything?

And all I could get was a bunch of negative statements. Yes, I am like them, in a sense that somewhere seven years ago I started to travel with no direction at all. Here, I am, not somewhere in the middle of my main goal, not even grasping the whole idea of my goal. To my realization, I lived my life for seven years irresponsibly, heedlessly, and unfocused.

Just there in front of me I saw chaos. That was the start of my new journey. I was trying to gather again the knowledge I had lost for several years, the beginning of my search for the pieces of my happiness. And my primordial goal of my life suddenly popped up from the remote recesses of my mind, reminded me again that I exist because of this. This goal is to provide man with profound understanding of the universe and to help him to establish a society beyond our system.

When I was young, I stared at the stars fascinated by the fact that they made contact to us despite their cosmological distances from us through their light, telling us that hey you human beings we are here we exist. Every night, I would imagine myself flying through space, cruising star by star, meeting other sentient beings, talking to them and befriending them. I would always wonder how the other planets were created, how life was created, why everything was and is like this. Long time ago, I embraced the life that is dedicated to mathematics, science and technology. Long time ago, I vowed to live my life in a way that I will make a difference, that I will be making an important contribution, or that I will matter in the vastness of the universe.

However, I suddenly forgot that creed that promise, and I was lulled by the goodness of unimportant things in my life. I was deceived by the temporal happiness I was getting from my bohemian and unmindful lifestyle, just like the common masses. I forgot that I had to accept the compromises needed to successfully achieve my goal.

I realized that I was getting farther from my goal. So, I decided to give myself a pause from this usual life, and take a detour leading me to the right track of my original goal. I don’t have any excuse anymore not to achieve this. This time, I have to focus my life, my time and my effort in giving the right and true happiness of my heart. I have to change my ways again like I changed it few years ago, not to have something new, but reverting it back to my normal routines. This ordinary life, eating out and at the normal sense, going to the office just because I need the money to survive, having fun every weekend, drinking in some night spots, cruising for young and beautiful boys, watching movies, and other stuffs of undirected lifestyle, will not quench the thirst of my curious mind. Only the universe can fill up the need of my heart. I had recognized that long time ago but I neglected it, trying to live life in normal ways. My ways for seven years will be replaced by my ways for 18 years, sufficing the needs of my intellectual curiosity. For seven years, I realized I had not been truly happy and I had not fully maximized the capacity of my brain.

This time, I have no choice but to impose discipline, conviction and patience and my life again. This time, I have no other journey to take but to tread the appropriate track laid out for me long time ago.

I owe the universe for the wasted time. I need to repay it by doing things double-time.

My heart is geared to get the true happiness it is longing to have.

This short cappuccino moment in McCafe brought me somewhere, in a clear and directed understanding of my existence. I have to make things happen in a planned and organized way. This is not a promise, but a mandatory track for me to follow, a martial law, to payback the time I’ve lost for years.

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