Forgotten

Journeying without purpose is tiresome, pushing us to be forgetful of the lessons we painfully garnered from our starting phases. We tend to forget of the past, of the circumstances that had banked joyful memories in our hearts. We begin to ignore sweet moments, stop searching for meaning, not minding the mirth that can be brought by simple things. We become a useless monster cowering in the dark corner of ourselves, and constantly deal with loneliness, anger, regrets, solitude and pain.

For years, I have certainly forgotten myself, the old me who could see joy in the simple walks of the ants. I can not even remember the lines that I used to appreciate everyday, that had given me strength in all of my failures, that had pushed me to break the barriers of human limitations, that had fed my soul to sustain me in this chaotic world.

I cannot believe that I cannot even say the first line of a wonderful poem, a poem that had been a great part of my early beginnings, the time when I was just starting to stand up on my feet, to battle the daily struggle of life on my own.

All I know now is that I removed and threw away a huge part of me.

Desiderata (Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

I remember my room when I was in high school. I was always alone that time. My silence gave birth to my brilliance. Books, maps, magazines, everything provided me a wonderful universe, in where I created multitude of stories, of discoveries, of new life. In that imaginary world, I learned to appreciate the universe, the beauty of life, the wonderful future it could offer.

Why am I now bothered by silence? Why can’t I live my life alone anymore?

I became in impatient. I lost the ability to enjoy life alone.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

How can I listen to others, when I am no longer listening to myself? My ways point to no direction at all. I become lost, a wanderer, vagabond. I became an absorber. I can no longer distinguish myself from the crowd and I can no longer hear the original beat of my heart. I’ve lost a lot of myself to other people and my soul is weary.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Envy. Jealousy. Insecurity. Those are the demons I have gained from years of trying to be best among the rest, trying to compete with others, and being so possessive of what I have. I suddenly feared the thought of becoming a voracious empty human, of being not contented with what I currently have, or what others can offer to or share with me. I have lost the simple me, the person who used to sit in the grassland and read a book under the shade of coconut trees, and could lavish the joy of simple life. The dawn is longer wonderful in my eyes.

What happened and why I lost the mirth of simple life?

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

There are no new horizons anymore because I am no longer standing on the top of golden pinnacles and ivory tower. I am down here in the mortal lands and I feel I have been living the life of bananafish. I embraced the ordinary life and I just become the rest.

Where is future you used to wish upon the shooting star?

Arrogance engulfed me and left bloated with false recognition and awards, of temporary joy and infamy, and of mediocrity.

Why did I settle for less? What did I do to the gifts of Prometheus? Did I abandon everything?

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

I recognized the trickery of others long time ago. Now, I am blinded by vanity and selfishness. I should have been contented. I have forsaken and betrayed the love share with me by the people who cared and valued me so much. I have taken for granted all of the good memories I have treasured for years.

Why am I craving of selfish love? For something I know I cannot obtain in few days or months? Why did I rush things?

Did I lose my real understanding of true love and passion?

My life is full of them and I am wondering why I was not contented. Now, I am alone.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

I thought I have surrendered my youth. But I have never avoided circumstances that will only bring me false happiness. And in every seething moment, I fly like a young bird but lost in the darkness of the forest.

It was because of my longing of my youth that I embraced a miserable life.

When can I see the light? I long for the dawn.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Where is happiness? Where is my happiness? All I know life is beautiful but my heart is telling me it’s not. It is its ugliness that shattered me. I have to gather my pieces of happiness again. It’s me and only me who can piece it together again.

Technorati Tags: me, desiderata

Cry – I Love Him

Why is it every time we miss someone we love, we feel this pinching pain inside our heart, crying in one corner of our rooms, crying every night, longing for those tender kisses, longing for those moments when we were together?

Why is it that when I love, things will eventually end up painful, sad, melancholic?

I always think of him. They said just let go and you will fine.

But how can I let go? How?

For two months, I have been longing for him. For two months I have been hoping that he would text and say, ei let’s have coffee somewhere. For two months I have been hoping to bump on him in the street. Every time I go somewhere in Makati, there’s this wishful thinking, that he would emerge somewhere, at least I could glance on his face. How can I let go if those sweet memories and moments are immortalized in my mind? How? Tell me?

Every afternoon, when I wake up, I was hoping he would send a message. At 2 am in the morning, in the office, I would watch my phone waiting for a text message. I would go down and sit on the stairs facing the avenue and I would cry because I remembered the days when we were sitting there together.

Those simple, small, minor, ignorable moments I had with him were the greatest moments I had in my life. Those were the things that I could not forget, things that stayed within me and reminded me that finally I found the true value of love. His existence was not just for the satisfaction of my sexual urges. His existence in my life was a great earthquake, ramifying within me and shattering my core systems of beliefs. He brought back to me the pain and beauty of love. He taught me to love again.

How can I forget the sweet memories, especially when I am longing for them every now and then? Commonwealth Avenue will never be the same for me. My bed will never be the same for me. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf will never be the same for me. Cinemas will never be the same for me. Leche flan will never be the same again. Everything in my usual life will never be the same again. Because every time I do things I used to do, his image will suddenly appear in my mind, reminding me of how sweet we used to be. A month of being together turned everything inside out. That short moment we had being together cannot be simply dismissed and it seems that it will be played over and over again in my mind for the rest of my life. That 1-month had been so much for me to bear emotionally.

I think I cannot find someone like him again.

Those eyes, that smile, that childish look, those innocent acts, everything, everything in him, will never be removed from my mind. I am always reminded by the thought that this guy, that this little boy, that this playful person, is the only Love I have. He shared wonderful moments with me, but why they have to end? Why?

He is my only joy.

Now, that he is longer beside me. What will I do? How can I get over him? The memories are killing my heart. I need him back to my arms.

I have nothing to offer him. I have nothing that I can give him to make him happy forever. I am not sure if he was happy with me. But there is one thing I know, no matter what I will do everything to make him truly happy with his existence. All I could offer is a life with different perspective, a life beyond the bounds of common people, a life that is so simple and wonderful.

I wish that somehow, I had shared something good to him, that I somehow matter to him, that when we were together he did love me.

Zeus, are we the star-crossed lovers? Are we?

I don’t care how he viewed the moments we had together. For me, those moments are very important for me because those were the moments I knew my heart was dancing in the rhythm of love once again. No matter how he viewed the thing between us, he would always be someone so special to me, someone who had brought me in new dimension of my life, someone I dearly love.

Come what may. I will still be here for him for I love him very much.

I love him. Fuck! I love him. I love him. I love him and this is the painful truth that is killing me every day. I cannot deny it anymore.

Technorati Tags: heartaches, pain, love, fm, life, me

To Hermes: Pouring out my heart

Hermes. Kindly deliver this message to someone I care and love so much. I think you know him already. I just need to pour my heart out to release some emotional steam deep within me. I cannot bear the pain anymore and need to speak out the turmoil of my heart.

Please let him know that despite the words that I have written, I still love them. I am not sure if he will loath me after reading this letter or not, but I just need to be honest with what I think and feel.


To The Person I love,

Why do you ignore me deliberately? Are you angry? Do you loath me? Or you just simply don’t care?

I don’t know the reason why after-all of the good times sadness and pain have to take place. I am trying to piece things together and a lot of questions left unanswered.

Did I do something terribly bad? Have you seen something in me unappealing that you have to stay-away? Why do you have to do this? Why?

If you think things will be cleared out by simply ignoring them then I think you are wrong. I am not a machine or toy. I am a human being and need some explanation why things have to go this way.

If you think I am not hurt. Then I am telling you that I am hurt and I am suffering the pains everyday.

You told me before people close to you get hurts. Now I have found the answer. It is not us who inflect pains in ourselves. It is you. Why? Because you avoid confrontations, you keep quite and say nothing at all, and ignore everything that had happened until they will be considered non-existent. Because of this avoidance, you inflict great pains to people who cared and loved you so much. Silence is more painful than pouring out your thoughts, your angst and your reasons. You can yell at me and that’s fine me. You can get angry and that’s fine with me. But leaving me in dark and uncertain situation, I think this is one thing that I cannot bear.

Are you insensitive? Or maybe you just don’t like emotional frills? Or maybe you just cannot face your fears? Whatever it is, you have to say something for you to be responsible of your actions. I took responsibility of what I did and now I am suffering the consequences. How about you?

Maybe my only mistake was that I love you and I had never had a chance to say it to you in person, or had the courage to verbalize it and every time we are together I deny it.

This time, I cannot deny it anymore because as time passes by pain is eating me everyday knowing that you are longer near me. I cannot reach you anymore.

I think you know how much I love you. Please be fair. Give me some answers. Ignoring me is not the way to free me. Let me know your stand and I will respect it. Just be honest with me. If you don’t like me to be your “close” friend anymore then tell me. It will be painful but at least I know than leaving me in dark corners with so many questions.

What did I do that made you change? If you say it’s nothing personal then for me it is because you had never given me a chance to set things right. If you think I am like the others, then you have not known the whole me (and I think you don’t care anymore to know the whole me). I am not like them and I defer to be like them.

You told me I have issues. I don’t have and I just realized it. I only have fears and I have recognized them already. It is you who have a lot of issues and you cannot resolve them if you are not communicating them. Tell me why you have to do this?

I am terribly hurt by what you did. But I cannot afford to hate you because my care and love is overpowering it.

If I still matter (am I?) then let me know your thoughts.

If I don’t then that’s fine with me. I guess I have to forget everything and simply dismiss the thought that we have been friends.

I know you need nothing from me. And that’s the most painful part.

I have cried a lot already. Maybe it is time for me to remove this certain segment of my life and throw it in the unreachable corner of my head. I am telling you now… I have never been hurt with this kind of pain in my whole life. You did not hurt me because you cannot return the love that I have for you. You did hurt me because you ignore me as if I have never existed in this universe.

I hope somehow I still matter to you. I know it doesn’t matter to you if you loose me or not because you have already everything and I am just a speck of dirt that can be easily removed. This is how I feel right now.

I apologize for being so upfront. I just need to be honest with my feelings. This is the difference between you and me.

In spite of everything, I need you emotionally right now. And I guess you cannot give me that.

Don’t worry, I still love you and I will always love you until my final days.

PS. I poured all my tears while I am writing this.

With all my heart,
Kent

Technorati Tags: fm

Coded for Billions of Years

Everyone is so busy and it started at dawn of this century. Here in the Philippines, everyone is busy dealing with the problems of the country governance. The masses are nit-picking the transactions of the government and the government is tripling its effort to catch up with the international community. I am not really sure with the happenings in the country’s educational system. In my opinion, I believe younger generation of my countrymen should catch up in terms of scientific and mathematical awareness for the world revolves in the exponential growth of scientific productivity. Every minute, scientists around the world is tremendously expanding the mathematical and scientific compendium of ideas.

Scientists are no longer concerned with the mundane activities of things on the surface of the earth. They are in fact pushing science to the limits, delving into the affairs of the collectives, the fickleness of the microscopic and the wonders of the cosmos. Astronomers, astrophysicists, cosmologists and mathematicians are peeking farther and farther to the oldest part of space, of our universe. And just now I realized that we cannot really see the stars in their current state. What we are seeing in the sky is the past of the universe. Biologist, geneticists and medical scientists are peeking deeper and deeper to the basic codes of life, decoding the unit entity of our existence, still going farther and farther to our past. Mathematicians and physicists are doubling their efforts in generalizing the events within and outside the sphere of human interaction. Social scientists and physicists (again) are no longer interested in individual course of action, but they are gearing in capturing the mathematics and laws of complex systems.

A lot and a lot more is happening within a day. Can we, Filipinos, catch up with the scientific developments around the world? How many geneticists do we have? How many astronomers or astrophysicists do we have? The scarcity of the scientists in the Philippines is understandable. We cannot support monetary-wise scientific endeavors yet. In fact, the Philippine economy has not transcended yet to scientific baseline from agricultural and services baseline.

So what can we do? Well, it’s not my problem anymore. I have my own personal issues to resolve and I will instead use my time in resolving these. Also, my popularity has impact and my network is not that extensive which can ramify my comments within the Philippine society.

Let me divert the topic from this qualm to the real reason why I write this entry.

Genetic studies are really leaping in phenomenal rate and it seems that we (the whole society) won’t stop until we have completely mapped and understood our own genetic structure. Yesterday, I read an article about genetic sequencing of a diploid genome, instead of the haploid being used by the Human Genome Project. This time, both pairs of the DNA strands have been sequenced. This is a pivotal event in genetics. At last, we can piece the whole shreds of our DNA’s, from both paternal and maternal lines, into something clear, comprehensible and readable.

For years, a lot had been done to hammer the DNA into something comprehensible but it took several years before we can completely see the whole structure, not just the structure as exemplified from one pair. Upon seeing the Genetic Card of Venter, I had this sudden burst of happiness. Is this already the start of unique human identification card?

The Diploid Genome Sequence of J. Craig Venter

Click here to see the whole Genome

From the images above, I am envisioning that someday that kind of information will be coded in a very small chip and will be implanted in our body and can be used us our identification record. What can you say? It’s paperless. All you need to know about someone is already there.

This is really mesmerizing, seeing the map of one’s genetic make-up. I am hoping that this won’t end here and that someday much more will be derived from this bar-coded, complicated, boring sheet of paper.

I have mush more to say about genetics but I don’t have the luxury of time to write them all. I am hoping someday that I can revisit this topic and completely capture my thoughts in words.

I am just happy today to know that things in scientific fields are working out.

Perfect Creation

Why can't I let go? Why?

I LOVE him! I still love him and I cannot help myself. My tears can't stop flowing. Why do I need to feel this pain? Why?

Am I cursed? Am I? When I find something beautiful, something perfect, a beholding creation, things begin to fade in the dark. Why all the joy will eventually end up to melancholy? Why am I feeling this deep solitude? Why?

"I hardly know this beauty by my side. I will never forget the way you look tonight."

Is it because of this? Is it because my heart is longing for someone who can provide comfort to my weary soul?

"I have never had such a feeling...such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight."

Maybe. Maybe this is the reason.

Sometimes, I have thought that I should not have changed. I should remain as someone with an adamantine heart, someone who doesn't know what the feeling of love is, because everytime I love, my heart would always end up in deep solitude.

For me he is a perfect creation. Something divine. Something that my heart will surely miss. How I wished those nights did not end.

These will forever hold the love I have for him. Whatever reasons he had, I would understand. Love is a lot like that. All I could do is to smile despite the melancholic flow of my tears.