"Experiments in Science 2.0...It’s a Darwinian process.
About 99 percent of these ideas are going to die. But some will
emerge and spread." - Bora Zivkovic, Plos One
The whole space. I think this is big enough for me. For now, it's bare. This is a year project for me to fill the spaces with furniture, things and appliances and some interior embellishments.
The comfort space. Gimme a year and things will be so comforting in this space.
For now you can't cook anything. But give me few more months and this will be converted to a chef's den.
Now that I have my own den and several plans of improvements, I have to be serious in my dealings in life. It means, no more procrastination, no more laziness, no more life bullshits.
I have to pay this place for 20 years, as mortgage amortization. It means I have to have work in 20 years (until around 45). For me to do this I have to do the following priorities:
1. Work. I need to work hard. Also, I have to find some work where I can get extra income.
2. Finish College. Need to get diploma as soon as possible. This is priority this year. I need to focus all of my efforts and energy as well as finances to finish my BS degree.
3. Save. Need to cut down my expenses on luxury items and need to cut down on taxi.
4. Creative and active. Need to be flexible with my life and need to be active in all aspects of my life.
A paper on tensor, “Tensors without Tears,” jolted some electricity in the neurons of my brain, stirring up more oxytocins and serotonin, making me mad, making me to think of how things are faring in my life. Maybe, I am currently undergoing certain undefined or erratic transformation in my life.
They are back, yes they are. MF is popping in and out of my life, and he is now appearing again in the scenes of my daily routine. We are back to the early morning YM chat and early morning green jokes. CJT is reappearing now. Just few minutes ago, I read his post in a forum and he expected to be here in Manila anytime soon. WTF, why is it that when MF is doing a come back in life, CJT will suddenly appear in the scene? Why is it that things are happening in cycle? What kind of fool am I? Am I ready to be hurt again, to be bothered again by pestering demons in my life, now that I have found the tranquil path and the dedication of treading this path with focus and conviction?
Better yet, I have to drop all of this.
I need to discipline myself not to open the forum again, not to interact with MF. Afterall, if I really matter to him he will find ways to see and to talk to me.
Maybe I should listen to Lui and Hani, to ignore all of them, just focus on things that are more important, that need my utmost attention, to be prioritized.
Another jitter comes in and that’s JG. I don’t know what I really feel for him. Maybe it is just lust and not love. Maybe I am just admiring him. Maybe he is just an Aramis for me.
I have simply to say that all of these are the determining factors driving me to make the transformation happen. I need an operator to make this thing happen. My tensors must show the exact state of my life of my disposition.
I have to do a decision now. It is now or never.
All of these jitters must not affect the whole state of my being. I must remain constant and not be affected by these jitters. The Law of Me shall be the law of me from here to eternity.
The universe is created by the jitters of its spacetime. I am made by the jitters of my spacetime.
Music Box: Take A Chance and Love (I know these songs talk about Love. However this doesn’t mean that I have to pursue what I feel. All of my feelings and emotions for love, they will remain as songs in my head.)
I have not written anything for more than a month. It was because I have been busy resolving some personal issues and taking care of my personal investments. Within this hiatus I seeded so much learning points, dots of advices and internalizations that I believe created exponential changes in me. I learned to control myself. I learned to explore the other sexual part of me. I became wiser when my sexual urges call. I learned that money is not forever. I experienced to deal with MMDA crocodiles. I learned to be in transit. I learned to love Makati, to absorb its beauty during rush hours. I learned to humble myself, to take time and plans in their own phases. I learned to acknowledge defeat, to back off and stop being aggressive. I learned to be flexible. I learned to let go. I was able to forge good friendships. I learned how to be forgiving. I learned so many things that I have not learned in 20 years of my existence. I learned to love, to be patient, to decipher the codes of true love. Now, I know what Edmund White really meant by being transient.
I am getting my own unit. I am distinguishing love from lust. I am beginning to understand the essence of existence, the meaning of why things have to be this way and that way, acknowledging limits and backing-off when things are not ought to happen. Life happens when the entropy of your personal life is in equilibrium of your inner peace.
Anyway, right now I have nothing much except for some update on my personal endeavors:
Love. Beginning to accept the fact that I am still young and somewhere someday I will be meeting someone who I truly deserve.
Live. I am getting my own unit and I have to start financial management of my income. I believe I have to start investing not just in some fixed assets but also in business and savings. Hmmm… how about investing in stock market?
Learn. My old routines, home and work, malls and restos, etc.. have been broken because I have to stay now in my aunt’s house here in Makati, in preparation of my transfer to my new unit.
Liberty. Now my mind is free and now I definitely know what I want in my life. I want to succeed in my own field, further my career in research and IT.
Light-hearted. It is good to know for years of existing here on earth, after-all I have not wasted my interaction with so many people. Now I realized that I had forged a lot of bonds with other people, having them as my friends and some a life-long ones.
Life. Now I want to live more and live life to the fullest.
I guess this is enough for now.
Like Mars being conquered by humanity, my life is now being conquered by reasons to give more and exist more. Like Phoenix, I am being reborn.
I just wanna share this gold in Youtube. I love this version of A Long and Lasting Love by Billy Preston and Syreeta (the other version is from Crystal Gayle, but I am not sure which one is the original).
A long and lasting love Not many people find it But those who do their whole life through Put their heart and soul behind it A long and lasting love
A long and lasting love Is what I always dream of And when I look into your eyes I knew I've really seen love A long and lasting love
Refrain: Now that you're in my life I'm gonna make you stay I'll have to be some kind of crazy fool To let you get away (Repeat) (my favorite part)
A long and lasting love We share for many reasons A special bond that goes beyond The changing of the seasons A long and lasting love
A long and lasting love Is someone I can care for Someone to be there for The rest of my life A long and lasting love
(Repeat Refrain) (Repeat Last Stanza)
A long and lasting love...
It's really a good feeling to fall in love, especially when you listen to this kind of ballads.
My room smells, looks like a sanitary landfill. Empty styro-cups of McDonald’s Premium Roast Coffee and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream Chocolate drink tetra-packs are scattered around. Nicotine is mixing with Oxygen and other gaseous molecules frantically floating and bumping to each other within the enclosure of my room. Papers, fast-food wrappers and plastics, empty plastic bottles, and all waste stuffs produced by a cramming, stressed and overloaded post-bachelor student (I am not yet in this level) can be found anywhere in my room and not surprisingly are being feasted by cockroaches and mice. And my laundry is there in one corner cocktailing a new smell from perfume and sweat. Trust me, when you happen to visit my room, you will experience chaos in cosmic level.
It’s not really that I don’t have time. It is just that my focus is on somewhere else.
Actually, I am supposed to clean my room today, but for some random reactions in my cortex I decided to do something else… to browse through my “Favorites” archives. I visited different science blogs bookmarked in my archives and I was hooked. My 9 hours spent exploring these blogs and made almost all of my neurons swollen and some ready to burst (including my alveoli due to the Nicotine-heavy air).
I guess after reading these, someone has really a good reason to complain about headaches and exhaustions:
What the hell are they talking about? I read something about E8 and my brain cells conked out. Suddenly, I have this urge to join them in their discussions, like this one, Back Reaction, but I can’t because I barely know the things that they were discussing. I am attracted by these mathematical equations but I cannot comprehend them. They are in the highest forms that can’t be deciphered by the processes of my brains.
And what’s that? A cosmic mandala I think. Nah, it’s a geometric presentation of particle interactions of our universe, or in short a visual mathematical (cosmic level in terms of comprehensibility of its equation) presentation of our universe. This is just an attempt to describe how the very components of our universe interacts (that’s only on my understanding, but for detailed description and you are a technical person read Lisi’s paper or read this Backreaction).
Nowadays, physicists are dancing on the line that borders Physics and Pure Mathematics, and doing some stints that are too incomprehensible for all us. I also wondered why I kept on reading these blogs, these papers and these tutorials even I know that I can only comprehend barely 1% of the subject matter. Group theory really piqued by curiosity and now I am dying to know the subject. To be honest, I am too far to reach this level of comprehending this kind of mathematics.
I met the Galois Group in high school when I submitted a project, which is to collect recent developments in mathematics, to my Math teacher and that time I was only studying the Matrix algebra. But I never really understood the essence of that paper about Galois group. On one hand, I met Lie and Abelian Algebras when I was in second year college that was the time also when I spent so many hours understanding the Quantum Mechanical world. I met String that same period also along with Supergravity and Theory of Everything. All of them, I just met them but never had a chance to know them well. From that time until now, that I have abandoned the academic life, I am always haunted by these topics. My mind is grappling to understand the basic and fundamental mechanisms of the universe.
I admit I have always been a jack of all trade (as observed by most of my friends) but never have been a master of something. But I know deep inside of me that my brain was really designed to master one thing, and that’s Mathematics. Now I regret that I wasted 5 years of not enhancing this talent (but I won’t stop here, I still have time to go back). I remember the conversation I had with a friend 3 weeks ago. That conversation really pricked my ego. She, Gwen (who is now a full pledged physicists and just came back from Italy – ICTP), told me that I have to go back. She said, “You need to go back, you are brilliant mathematician and don’t let your talent be wasted.” That word wasted dawned to me as true. I never realized that they were looking up to me as brilliant and here I am wasting this brilliant mind.
Maybe it’s time for me to go back. I need time, 2-3 years more and I will be back. By that time, I can already join the online community of physicists in their discussions. I am thanking Gwen for letting me to realize that I have been a wasted mathematician for years. It’s time for me to be recycled and renewed.
