Cappuccino Moment in McCafe

After a circuitous ride around Quezon City, finding my way to Diliman from Project 8, Baesa, I took a short coffee break in McCafe just beside the Quezon Ave. MRT Station. I just came from my successive classes from 11 to 4 and I felt the need to sip a good cup of coffee. One medium cappuccino came to my table while I was puffing a purposeful stick of cigarette. People in front of me were in undirected transit, coming from all directions, passing through my eyes, and I was watching them inattentively. Deep inside, I didn’t really mind them, and their images were blurred, like ghosts passing through my eyes without sense of why I was watching them.

My mind was with myself. After a sip of caffeine from the paper cup, my mind was floating somewhere in the chaotic space of the metropolis. It asked me one question, freezing everything around me, bringing my thoughts somewhere that mocked my ego in very short interim. Where am I leading?

Am I like them, in undirected transit? Where am I in my journey? What did I really want when I begun this journey long time ago? Did I achieve anything?

And all I could get was a bunch of negative statements. Yes, I am like them, in a sense that somewhere seven years ago I started to travel with no direction at all. Here, I am, not somewhere in the middle of my main goal, not even grasping the whole idea of my goal. To my realization, I lived my life for seven years irresponsibly, heedlessly, and unfocused.

Just there in front of me I saw chaos. That was the start of my new journey. I was trying to gather again the knowledge I had lost for several years, the beginning of my search for the pieces of my happiness. And my primordial goal of my life suddenly popped up from the remote recesses of my mind, reminded me again that I exist because of this. This goal is to provide man with profound understanding of the universe and to help him to establish a society beyond our system.

When I was young, I stared at the stars fascinated by the fact that they made contact to us despite their cosmological distances from us through their light, telling us that hey you human beings we are here we exist. Every night, I would imagine myself flying through space, cruising star by star, meeting other sentient beings, talking to them and befriending them. I would always wonder how the other planets were created, how life was created, why everything was and is like this. Long time ago, I embraced the life that is dedicated to mathematics, science and technology. Long time ago, I vowed to live my life in a way that I will make a difference, that I will be making an important contribution, or that I will matter in the vastness of the universe.

However, I suddenly forgot that creed that promise, and I was lulled by the goodness of unimportant things in my life. I was deceived by the temporal happiness I was getting from my bohemian and unmindful lifestyle, just like the common masses. I forgot that I had to accept the compromises needed to successfully achieve my goal.

I realized that I was getting farther from my goal. So, I decided to give myself a pause from this usual life, and take a detour leading me to the right track of my original goal. I don’t have any excuse anymore not to achieve this. This time, I have to focus my life, my time and my effort in giving the right and true happiness of my heart. I have to change my ways again like I changed it few years ago, not to have something new, but reverting it back to my normal routines. This ordinary life, eating out and at the normal sense, going to the office just because I need the money to survive, having fun every weekend, drinking in some night spots, cruising for young and beautiful boys, watching movies, and other stuffs of undirected lifestyle, will not quench the thirst of my curious mind. Only the universe can fill up the need of my heart. I had recognized that long time ago but I neglected it, trying to live life in normal ways. My ways for seven years will be replaced by my ways for 18 years, sufficing the needs of my intellectual curiosity. For seven years, I realized I had not been truly happy and I had not fully maximized the capacity of my brain.

This time, I have no choice but to impose discipline, conviction and patience and my life again. This time, I have no other journey to take but to tread the appropriate track laid out for me long time ago.

I owe the universe for the wasted time. I need to repay it by doing things double-time.

My heart is geared to get the true happiness it is longing to have.

This short cappuccino moment in McCafe brought me somewhere, in a clear and directed understanding of my existence. I have to make things happen in a planned and organized way. This is not a promise, but a mandatory track for me to follow, a martial law, to payback the time I’ve lost for years.

Technorati Tags: journey, me, purpose, universe

My Musicbox 1990's

Since last night I had been listening to the top billboard songs from 1980's to 1990's. It started with Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money," until I got to listen to Kim Carnes Bette Davis Eyes. This afternoon, I didn't get over my thing with the 80's and 90's pop music, and I opened my archive and played all songs by Laura Branigan.

To the 80's and 90's babies, I hope you can still remember these songs (Don't forget to turn-off the background music of this page):

Thief of Hearts
Melissa Manchester



Somewhere deep inside of a stranger's eyes
There are stranger things I see
Shades of light on a secret part of me

Living in the shadows hiding from my life
I was waiting for a dream
Now a perfect stranger fills my needs

Thief Of Hearts
Stole my heart from me
Thief Of Hearts
Better than a dream
The Theif Of Hearts

Hands upon my body full of cool control
Baby tell me how you knew
Everything that felt so good to me
Now I see you clearer through your one-way mirror
Real, but too surreal
Turn the pages
You're a memory

(Repeat Chorus)

When I think about my soul
All the secrets that you stole
Then I know that I've just got to let you go

(Repeat Chorus)


Until now, I can't still find this movie in video stores. I remember listening to this on the radio when I was young. I just recently uncovered that this was used in a motion picture with the same title.


Spanish Eddie
Laura Branigan




There was heat in the air
And cops everywhere you looked
So there wasn't a lot
And the breaks that you got you know you took
And I remember wonderin' where you've been
The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in

The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in
They were playin' "Desolation Row"
On the radio
The night Spanish Eddie fell from grace
There was amazement on his face
On the night that Eddie failed sanity prevailed

It was June or July
When the heat from above beat down
It was famine or drought
When the brothers went out of syle uptown
And we was mixin' vicks with lemon gin
The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in

The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in
They were plain' "Desolation Row"
On the radio
The night Spanish Eddie made front page
His revolution came of age
He wrote "surrender" on the wall
the night he took the fall

I heard someone say "He's tryin' to fly"
Like Eddie used to say "We'll do when we die"

I know someone turned you for a spin
The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in

The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in
They were plain' "Desolation Row"
On the radio

The night Spanish Eddie fell from grace
There was amazement on his face
On the night that Eddie failed sanity prevailed

The night Spanish Eddie cashed it in
They were plain' "Desolation Row"
On the radio (3x)


I remembered dancing to this music when I was young (very young) in "Baylihan" - town dancing party. Oh how I missed my childhood innocence and being carefree.

Technorati Tags: 1980's and 1990's billboard, laura branigan, music, spanish eddie, melissa manchester, thief of hearts

Musicbox

I have not been listening to any music for days already. Tonight, suddenly my heart craved for some dose of melancholy. Hay.

Separate Lives
Phil Collins

You called me from the room in your hotel All full of romance for someone that you met And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon And that you miss me sometimes when youre alone in your room Do I feel lonely too? You have no right to ask me how I feel You have no right to speak to me so kind We cant go on just holding on to time Now that were living separate lives Well I held on to let you go And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show There was no way to compromise So now were living (living) Separate lives Ooh, its so typical, love leads to isolation So you build that wall (build that wall) Yes, you build that wall (build that wall) And you make it stronger Well you have no right to ask me how I feel You have no right to speak to me so kind Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes But for now, well go on living separate lives Yes for now, well go on living separate lives Separate lives

An Overview of Me

To know me in snapshot, please read below. I somehow agree with this overview of myself from Tickle.


You're a Extraversion Medium!

Openness To Experience

Your high score in the Openness category means that you probably have a strong creative streak. Your broad intellectual curiosity and your interest in the various arts set you apart. Some people may consider you somewhat of a dreamer, and your taste for variety often means moving quickly on to the next experience. This tendency makes you appear a bit flighty and inconsistent. But these elements of your personality simply reflect a character full of new ideas and charged with emotions.

Conscientiousness

Your high score in the Conscientiousness category means that you feel a strong compulsion towards duty and responsibility. You are probably a very organized person, and pride yourself on your professional competence. Work is a very high priority in your life, and defines your vision of success. You have a careful attitude towards making decisions, and think them through carefully. With such a strong conscience, and a devotion to accomplishment, it's likely that you're considered extremely dependable.

Extraversion

Your medium score in the Extraversion category defines your social identity. You are probably comfortable in either a crowd or by yourself, and spending time alone or with company is equally enjoyable. When among others, you tend to stand in the foreground, although you may not always wish to take the position of a leader. Instead, you seem to prefer moving between the role of leader and follower, as the situation requires. You probably keep a moderately active social life; you're generally on the lookout for excitement, but certainly don't require it. You tend to keep a fairly positive emotional outlook, and people can usually count on your for some good cheer.

Agreeableness

The Agreeableness category refers to your social disposition. Your high score indicates your tendency to forego your own desires for the sake of others - sometimes to a fault. You are probably known as a kind and modest person who is willing to overlook your own needs for the interest of the group. You believe in creating harmony among people, to the point where you can sometimes act a bit dependent. With your straightforward style of communication and your sentimental nature, this isn't hard for you. You tend to see the world by the light you cast - as honest and genuine.

Negative Emotionality

Negative Emotionality scale refers to your emotional reactivity. Your low score implies that you generally resist the influence of what's going on around you. Confronted by situations that most people would find upsetting, you'll often remain calm and rational. For example, strong feelings of embarrassment, sadness, stress or anger are emotions that may not arise too often within you. Instead, you seem to resolve these issues with a minimum of difficulty. Your personality is best characterized as cool and levelheaded.

Of Lines

I admit, I love dramatic or poetic lines in everything that is happening to my life. Some say I am full of clichés but for me these lines are the core of my understanding, the whole embodiment of my experiential analysis of things that are flowing in and out of my life, a way for me to know why these kinds of things simply happen either voluntarily or involuntarily.

Like for example in my relationships, either romantic but not erotic, or erotic but not romantic, I always associate a certain line for every relationship. Recently, inevitable events drove me again to ascribe another line to describe how I view life. This happened not just once. This is the third time that I cower to my inner me and search for an appropriate description of things that were within me.

Here are the lines that I think I will never forget in my life:

1. Dorm Guy - I vowed to love him for eternity. Until now I still love him but I think there is already a zero possibility that we can be together. The perfect I have for him is “When I love the world withdraws.”

2. French Guy – I had a very erotic relationship with this guy. I also love him, even until now, however I am not certain when we are going to meet again. The line for him is “We don’t own. We share.”

3. Cute Sagittarian – A complex relationship, a mix one friendship and something deeper. This guy is very special to me for he provided me a new dimension to look at things, not in my perspective only but also in the eyes of other people. I love this guy also and I am inclined to love him for eternity. My moments with him were the perfect examples of Special Relativity and Uncertainty Principle in action. I called him “A grand thing in cosmos, enigmatic as the Black Hole, but striking and beautiful as the Nebulas.” Now I think the perfect line for this will be “Life is beautiful and it will always be beautiful.”

I think, since I am still young, more lines will be added to this list.

Technorati Tags: me, life, poem, sagittarian, french, dormitory