1,2,3... mental countdown? Or breakdown?

1,2,3... mental countdown? Or breakdown?

I overslept. 18 hours in bed. I woke up craving for a good cup of coffee.

24 hours ago I finished LOST Season 3. I am hooked to this TV series. Philosophically, this series has something to say, man, humanity, in its primal state.

Just few minutes ago, I read a line from Albert Camus. It reminded me of how I view life before. Bleak and dead-end.

I think about the bonobos, the idea of separating sex from reproduction. They are like us. And we are too like them.

I am afraid of the future. Not because the world will end soon. But because of the thought of failing my expectations, of me becoming a failure.

I think about collaboration, a draft write-up in my head. I wanted to write about collaboration, the culture of collaboration, just like the individual cells in our body working together and let us live in this chaotic world. I think of the ants, the bees and many other eusocial organisms. I hope one day humanity will achieve this state. We are working together for one common goal, development of our species, of science and technology, of the discovery of universal truth, with no differences.

I think of how wonderfully we created ISS, LHC, Fermilab, and soon how we are going to colonize space.

Now, I think of how delayed I am when it comes to my deliverables. I need to focus.

I am sipping my third mug of coffee (in three hours), black coffee. And I feel I am a failure.

I need to focus. But I can’t.

I am thinking of so many things, of my personal life, of the particles around me, of books I need to read, of papers I need to submit, of deadlines and deliverables, of the transcribed recorded meetings (two months overdue), of my future, of being detached from my colleagues, of being isolated from my real happiness, of being a failure, of being nothing but a simple and ordinary person whose existence does not matter, of the future of mankind, of many other things.

I need to give myself a break because I can feel I am thinking too much and eventually will lead to my breakdown.

My laundry is piling up. I got tons of them and the laundry shop closed already (as in closed forever). I don’t know where to have my laundry. I am allergic to detergents. I am doomed.

I need those radicals and signs.

I am exhausted.

I think I wanna quit the world.

I am.